Psycho
by HisAsgardianAngel
Summary: Just a little humorous reader-insert I came up with while thinking about Alfred Hitchcock's masterpiece. I wrote the first chapter and the second will be written by my good friend Makbarnes. Pretty much a fluffy domestic Tony and reader fic where they decide to play a little prank on Steve Rogers :3 Two shot


It is Halloween night and your new husband has decided that he wants to have a double date. Now under normal circumstances, when Tony Stark says he wants to double date you can expect an extremely lavish evening. But what you weren't expecting, was for him to be so freaking excited about an overly-commercialized holiday. You walk into the penthouse living room to find your iron warrior hanging cotton spider webs and sticking bloody zombie hands in various random places.

"Baby, would you hand me the rubber spider please? I'm thinking it should dangle right above the television, what do you think?" You snicker at him, but obey, handing over the creepy accessory and watching with the utmost affection as he continued to decorate your house.

"I think somebody needs a little more Halloween spirit." Tony teases, pulling you against him gently and brushing your lips together. You sigh, wrapping your arms around his neck and rubbing your noses together.

"Maybe I'll be a little more spirited once you tell me what we're doing tonight." Tony smirks and winks at you.

"Well, I know we usually go out to dinner and stuff but we just found out about Tony Jr," He paused, laying a hand tenderly on your flat-for-now stomach as you rolled your eyes at his 'Tony Jr' remark. You had found out just yesterday that you were four weeks pregnant.

"And that has me in the mood for some simple, romantic, family style fun. What do you think?" The pure unadulterated love that was practically glowing in his eyes melted your heart and you kissed him sweetly.

"I like the sound of that, what did you have in mind?" Tony grins with excitement and takes your hand, leading you over to the surround sound system near the plasma screen. He gestured grandly with his hands at a stack of horror movies the size of Mount Olympus, obviously proud of himself. He knows how much you love scary movies.

"Behold, my lovely wife. You are looking at our grand evening, minus the pizza, which should be here in ten. I ordered five different pizzas, I wasn't sure what Tony Jr would and would not enjoy, but if he is anything like his daddy we'll eat the shit out of some pepperoni. If the smell makes you sick I'll have JARVIS order you something else. Anything." The bright smile that lights up your face makes Tony unexplainably happy, obviously relishing in the soft ring of your laughter.

"I love you so much." Tony kisses your forehead and turns to go get the door as you both hear a loud knock.

"I love you too, [your name]. That's either pizza or Steve." He opened wide the door to find Steve Rogers, who was cheerfully grasping the hand of [your best friend's name]. Tony had already informed you that the couple planned to sleep over, so you gladly extend your hand to your friend.

"I'll take that bag, would you like me to show you to the guest room?" She smiled and nods, taking your arm and allowing you to lead her toward the bedroom beside the one you share with Tony. She glances around happily, taking in the grandness of the room. The queen sized bed in the middle is a deep red with [your favorite color] pillows, and the bedroom is decorated accordingly, using a blend of both yours and Tony's preferences. You sit your friend's Caribbean blue bag down on the soft carpet and smile at her.

"I hope the two of you will be comfortable in here." [Your best friend's name] beams at you, walking over to the nightstand and picking up the picture propped delicately upon it. It was of you and Tony's wedding night, and she shook her head.

"That was some wild party. Never did think you and Tony would quit that intense game of tonsil hockey at the reception." You blush and burst into a fit of laughter.

"Don't even pretend like that isn't going to be you come July." [Your best friend's name] and Steve were to be married on July 13th, which was only about a month away. She opened her mouth to reply when you both heard raised voices coming from the living room. You're more than aware that Tony and Steve don't always get along, so you head back that way in concern. _Oh come on…it's hardly been fifteen minutes…_ you think to yourself with a roll of your eyes as you and your friend walk in on the stupidest argument either of you had ever heard.

"How was I supposed to remember that your fiancé only eats Cheeseburger Pizza? If you were so concerned you should have called me about dinning arrangements!" Steve huffed and put his hands on his hips.

"We just had this conversation last week Tony! You were over, we were eating, you asked me why we were eating such a gross topping?" Tony stared blankly at Steve, obviously unaware that the two of them had had this talk and ran his fingers through his hair in annoyance.

"Yeah well I'm sorry, you can ask [your name], I'm not always the best listener, and besides, I ordered the pizza because [your name] was craving it, and I only ordered ones I thought wouldn't make her sick." Steve's eyebrows furrowed, mistaking Tony's concern for elitism.

"Right, because Princess Stark's delicate palate can only handle so much." Tony growled at the mockery and narrowed his eyes at Steve.

"She's pregnant, you ass!" Steve looked both genuinely shocked and halfway appalled.

"You've been married for two weeks! Sure didn't take you long to mark your territory, did it, Tony?" Tony's eyes were shinning with a livid rage and you knew that if you didn't intervene now, Steve was going to die. You and [Your best friend's name] both step between your partners quickly and you rub Tony's chest soothingly.

"Hey, it's alright…" There was a certain rapping upon the front door all of a sudden and your friend eagerly dismisses herself from the situation to let whomever it is inside. It is the pizza man, and he smiles brightly at all of you. This man has dark raven hair, untidy and similar to Tony's. His eyes were a vivid blue, possibly the bluest eyes you have ever seen, and they match his tie to a T. He wears a tan trench coat over his work uniform, which strikes you as incredibly odd, though you do not say so.

"I have two pepperoni pizzas, one plain cheese, one spinach Alfredo, and one Tuscan six cheese?" Tony nodded and grabbed his wallet from his back pocket.

"That will be $81.01, oh and I forgot, here is the large chocolate chip cookie you ordered." Tony cracked a grin and handed the cookie to you, leaning in for a quick peck.

"That's all for you, baby." You giggle and sit the cookie down on the living room table, helping your husband sit all five pizzas down as your friend said good bye to the pizza man and Steve stood with his mouth wide open.

"$81 bucks? You just spent….hot dog, back in my time we didn't spend that much money in a month!" Tony rolled his eyes and pointed to his couch.

"Just hush and sit down, Rogers. Feel free to grab some food if you aren't still offended by the toppings." Steve didn't move, but he didn't have to. Your friend got a plate of pizza for both of them and grabbed his hand, forcing him down on the couch with her and laying her legs across his lap.

"It's okay Stevie, I'll eat it." She assures him, taking a promising bite of a piece of pepperoni pizza. You walk to the refrigerator and grab a two liter of Mountain Dew, grabbing a cup for you and Tony before he intercepts your hand with his own.

"Uh-uh, water or milk for you, sweetheart." The slight pout that forms on your face kills Tony a little on the inside. As long as you've known him he has never been one to deny you anything in the world that you told him you wanted. You notice and quickly turn your pout into a playful smile, pulling him into a chaste kiss by his AC/DC shirt.

"You're cute when you're being protective." You feel him chuckle against your lips and he snakes his hands around your waist.

"My number one concern will always be keeping you and this baby safe." You can't do anything but melt at his words, pouring the fizzy beverage for him and screwing the cap back on.

"Good thing I like milk." You both laugh and hear Steve clear his throat loudly, pointing to the television.

"I don't mean to interrupt but I have no idea how to operate this." Tony rolls his eyes and carries his drink and both boxes of pepperoni pizza to the coffee table in front of the couch. He sat the boxes down and took the remote before grabbing both your cookie and your hand (sitting the remote on top of the cookie box) and escorting you to sit down before he took his place beside you. He turned on the TV and the DVD player, looking slyly at Steve from out the corner of his eyes.

"I thought since you missed a pretty great decade during the sixties we would have a little black and white fun first. You guys up for watching Psycho?" You snuggle in closely to Tony in excitement and he wraps his arms around you, obviously pleased that you're pleased. Tony didn't wait for the others to answer, hitting the play button and asking JARVIS to cut the lights.

[Your best friend's name] and Steve became utterly engrossed in the film, as neither one of them had ever seen it. But you and Tony were Rob Zombie loving gore-fest addicts, and Psycho really wasn't much your speed. The two of you spent much of the film making out and feeding each other. Between the two of you you had finished off both pepperoni pizzas and Tony was currently trying to feed you bits of cookie from his own mouth, each of you trying seriously hard to not burst out laughing and disturb your guests. You feel Tony lick excess chocolate from your face and you get goosebumps, tugging roughly on his messy obsidian hair and moaning into his mouth as he captures your lips. Tony pulls back as he ceases to hear the movie, realizing that it must have gone off and the two of you look over to your side curiously. [Your best friend's name] has fallen asleep on Steve, who is staring blankly at the screen before him.

"You okay?" You ask, noticing that he is pale and his expression appears unnerved, scared, even. You feel a little bad, knowing Steve wasn't used to this kind of thing, but Tony was looking pretty damn satisfied by the super soldier's reaction.

"Don't be a pussy, Rogers, shake it off. There's ice water in the fridge if you need it." Steve scowled at Tony, putting on a brave face and gently sliding out from under your friend to stand.

"Go to hell, Tony. Where is your shower, I'm heading to bed in a little while." Tony looked incredulously at the clock.

"It's just now eleven man…" Steve didn't reply, but his stony expression was enough to tell you he wasn't in the mood for games right now and you point to the bathroom that sits between your bedroom and the guest bedroom.

"Thank you, ma'am." Tony stands as Steve walked away and grabs another movie from his enormous stack.

"Well just because the old folks are hitting the hay doesn't mean we have to. Besides, now we can watch the good stuff." Your eyes brighten as you realize that he is about to put in _House of 1000 Corpses_.

"Round two?" You ask, getting up to grab the box of cheese pizza that has been sitting untouched on the counter. Tony has never been able to believe that you can keep up with his appetite, and now that you're eating for two he is more than excited to see how much the three of you can pack away.

"God I love you." You giggle and plop back down beside him, nuzzling into his side as you eagerly open the box. Tony's ears perk up, hearing Steve turn on the shower and a smirk crosses your face as you notice the mischief that begins to dance in your husband's eyes.

"What?" Tony pauses the movie and looks over to make sure your friend is still asleep, taking the box of pizza from you and sitting it down for a moment.

"Wait, before we get comfortable…I'm getting that spangly bastard back for earlier." Your grin widens, realizing his plan and jumping up off of the couch.

"We have a plastic knife in some of the back decorations, I'll be right back."

It took only a few minutes for you and Tony to come up with a plan, deftly pushing the bathroom door open, extremely careful to not make any noise as you crawl on the floor, knives in hand. Steve's silhouette can be seen clearly through the curtain and he is washing his hair, singing some silly little song that neither one of you recognized. Tony exchanges an amused glance with you before silently mouthing a count down.

 _1, 2, 3…_

Tony yanks the curtain back and you both begin to "stab" Steve with the retracting knives, eliciting the loudest, and frankly girliest scream either of you have ever heard come out of Steve's mouth.

"ANTHONY STARK!" He roared as the two of you rolled on the floor in hysterical laughter.

"Oh my g-god…JARVIS, please tell me you recorded that!" Steve looked around in a panic, as if JARVIS were a person spying on him in the bathroom the entire time.

"You DELETE that, this instant!" Tony tried to tell Steve that JARVIS only takes orders from him but he honestly couldn't catch his breath. The two of you laughed for a good few minutes before Steve finally got out of the shower, stepping around the two of you and wrapping a towel around his waist. He stormed into the living room muttering to himself and you and Tony quickly followed, shit eating grins on your faces as he read the title screen of the paused film on your plasma screen.

"You two deserve each other." He picked up [your best friends name] and carried her into the guest bedroom, slamming the door behind him. You almost feel guilty.

"Should we apologize?" Tony snorted and wrapped an arm around your neck.

"Nah, capsicle is like ninety, he will have forgotten it by tomorrow." You giggle and both of you reclaim your seats, except now Tony is free to stretch out on the couch and pull you and the pizza on top of him. He pressed the play button and lovingly offers you a bite of his slice.

"Best. Date. Ever."


End file.
